the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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