he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
