i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
