we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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