I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
