I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
