I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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