I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
