i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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