roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
