Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
