so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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