that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
