Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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