Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
