people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
