I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
