So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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