you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize