I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
