to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
