I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize