You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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