i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
