the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize