yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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