Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize