fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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