shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Are we still banned from the library?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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