I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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