We're like a lot better than the average bears
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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