When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
