omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
