I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
