I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
