it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
