Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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