after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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