Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
