This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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