Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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