ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
