The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
