I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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