Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
