Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
