If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
