Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
