you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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