I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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