When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
