My nipple is on Facebook.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
