I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
