I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
