its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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