Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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