I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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