Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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