I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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