I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
