not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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